so this is how yoga tends to look at my home too. (except i keep losing my drishti point):

back-sliding

how do we stay compassionate with ourselves when we can visibly see ourselves back-slide in our thoughts, feelings or actions?

this has been my challenge. when you spend a lot of your time and energy working on a piece of yourself that needs special attention, you KNOW it's a process. but it's so difficult to withhold expectations that the process will be in a consistently forward direction.

i've been re-reading the book "nonviolent communication", by marshall rosenberg. while reading the book i could see how i had slipped into some of my old habits-- and i was grateful to have those habits pointed out to me. so i thought that naturally the next time i had an opportunity to re-ignite these techniques, i would be ready.

well, the opportunity came that very night...and...i not only went into my habitual pattern, i actually exaggerated how much of a pattern it truly was. i crossed lines that i hadn't touched in years. it was like i was doing research for a book of my own: "ultra-violent communication--how to make other people feel really bad about themselves".

not only is it difficult for me to understand how this could happen, it is SO difficult to be compassionate and forgiving of myself and to just allow myself to be in this mucky unpleasant place and just accept that i made a mistake and went into reactivity. or as kira reminded me from the yoga sutras: allow myself to practice "upeksanam" or equanimity toward myself when i perceive my actions to be "wrong".

of course, shining the light on one habit allows other habits and shameful voices to show up--"how can i fix or change this situation?", "what can i do to make things feel more comfortable?", "how could you be so stupid?", "look at what you've done this time."

at least i am aware of them, know that they are there and have the option to decide to listen and follow those habits, or to practice a new and better habit. and i have the option to change the decision even after i have started down the road of one of the old patterns.

i can continue to experience what each choice feels like. i can use that feedback to make better choices next time, to stop myself mid-habit and choose to divert the path.

sounds like such an easy solution...i really wish it were!

but just like the asana and pranayama, and meditation: making better decisions is a practice.

an interesting path to bhakti

i was so fortunate this past weekend to spend some time with sean johnson and his wild lotus band for some devotional, heart opening yoga and blissful music!

little did i realize that the main path to me cracking open my heart on a new level involved facing some of my oldest and deepest fears.

the class was so sweet, so watery and beautiful, and the live music just opened up a whole deeper level of feeling during the class. learning a bit about the harmonium and rhythm was fun and inspires me to want to start playing music, even if it's not my main talent this go-around.

so the fear part came in when we were sharing a little bit of ourselves with each other through music...sitting in a circle and taking turns singing, reading poetry or creating rhythm in our own voice and uniqueness. it sounds like such a sweet way to connect with each other and open into our authentic selves. and it IS.

the only problem is that sharing part of myself in a totally spontaneous way without the "shield" of the teacher or bodyworker label is TERRIFYING to me. all of my feelings of self-doubt, imperfections, fears of making mistakes and self-judgement bubbled right up to the surface. i couldn't ignore them or pretend they weren't there. i saw flashes of moments from my youth where i was awkwardly trying to fit in with my classmates during games i didn't really know how to play. but i was in a loving and accepting environment and one where i was nudged to express myself ANYWAY.

with my eyes closed, i heard as the voices moved closer one by one to where i sat. i felt my anxiety start to rise, even as i tuned in and listened as intently as i could to the person who was sharing. when my turn finally came, i just had to do it. and i felt a huge rush of energy (maybe adrenaline?) flow through my heart, out my hands and out through my voice.

my critical head was still there--i could hear it mumbling in the background--but it wasn't given the chance to win out over the moment.

and when i finished up, the critical voice lingered, tried to distract me...but as gwendolyn (sean's beautiful co-singer and drummer) put it (in poor paraphrased form), the sweet thing about music is that you have no choice but to move onto the next moment and let the previous one go. that is what keeps the song moving forward. you have to leave the mistakes and wrong notes behind if you want to keep playing, singing or listening.

and WOW, did my heart feel open after chipping away another layer of fear.

so i thank sean, gwendolyn and alvin for allowing me the opportunity to express myself, even if i am still SO RELUCTANT to do so...thank you for showing me that i'm not going to die if i do strip off all of my clothes and stand there for everyone to see. in fact, i may even be a little bit more alive.

chronic pain, connective tissue and touch class at lulu's

today was the final day of the 3 day "spinal tap" workshop that i taught at lulu bandha's...and it was SO MUCH FUN!

we started with legs up the wall, and tuned into our "feeling sides" of our brain and on really getting inside our bodies in a more fine-tuned way, as well as finding a gentle ease with our bodies and tight spots.

we then talked about chronic pain and the connective tissue, followed by an experimental asana class which basically began with a "starting pose" and had them tune into feeling into their tight spots and twisting/moving in ways to greater access those spots. the focus was to encourage them to feel and listen to what their body was wanting, and to soften into the resistance patterns.

we did cat/cow variations 3 dimensionally and then opened it to a self-guided mini-practice, as each person was finding the next "spot" that needed some attention and adjusted their poses appropriately.

feedback revealed that perhaps the word "soften" works better than "relax" when people are in a dynamic hold/stretch, and that demonstrating the technique may be helpful, since the verbal part left some question marks in the practice.

i then demo'd a yin forward bend (i did baddha konasana) and showed how i enter the pose slowly and barrier by barrier, then twist it into whatever my body is guiding me to do next.

they all started with a yin forward bend of their choice and were left to their own feeling wisdom to perform their practice for about 20 minutes and eventually to savasana.

then we took a break and regrouped for the touch portion of the class with partners:

gentle cervical traction

traction with a gentle sternal release

bilateral leg pull

occipital release

we ended the weekend in a circle connecting with each other and sitting in silence.

i am SO GRATEFUL for the amazing group of yogis that joined me this weekend!!!

living fascia!!

check out this short clip from Jean Claude Guimberteau's video "strolling under the skin" where he shows magnified video of fascia in a living person! there are larger clips available too if you can't get enough. the language is very technical, but just sit back and enjoy the visual magic that lives inside of us!

neck and posture class at lulu's

another wonderful day at my favorite studio today! today was a 2-part class: the neck/upper back, and postural deviations and exercises. here's a synopsis--at least as well as i can remember!

we opened with supine baddha konasana with a teaching intention of tuning into our bodies in a deeper way.

the first portion of the lecture started with an anatomical look at the neck and thoracic spine, discussed the influence of the shoulders/scapula and discussed the nature of common injuries in the neck. we then did an asana class geared toward targeting some of the key areas that tend to tighten up with neck problems.

seated baddha konasana with head hang/fwd fold, focus on connective tissue of the spine

seated 1/2 head rolls with prolonged stretches at tight spots

neck sidebend with opposite arm extended, rotate head down to access levator muscle

seated chest fascial opener in center and with head tilt left and right

childs pose--relaxed

childs pose--active arm extension

cat/cow, focus on sternum and upper back

thread the needle twist

relaxed childs

seated shoulder extension stretch

garuda (eagle) arms with forward bend, then with elbow lift

shake out arms

standing pec "clock" stretch at wall

wall dog

shake out arms

**can't remember

seated chakra meditation, discussed chakras IV-VII

discussed postural deviations and did partner analysis of posture

brief discussion of movement analysis

postural exercises:

supine "angels"

supine open into external rotation, elbows at side

supine isometric: tighten abs, ribs down, shoulders back and down, palms press, chin tuck

shimmy

supine overhead reach with block

block mini-dolphin stretch

reclining buddha each side

side plank variation on forearm

sidelying over bolster (restoratve stretch)--> progress to active reach in arm and top leg

knees to chest

occipital release with block

savasana

low back class at lulus

i had such a great evening with the gang at lulu bandha's last night teaching about the low back and pelvis! we did some exploration of the anatomy and injuries of this area and followed with an asana practice intended to encourage people to relate to their bodies in a new way, to utilize the visual anatomy to "see" inside a little more. we began to touch on the fascial system as well, and of course reminded ourselves that no level of anatomical knowledge can make us more wise than the signals and messages of our bodies--to listen to that is to truly touch upon what will help us to heal and keep us safe.

because i didn't blog immediately afterwards, i am going to remember as closely as i can:

supine knees to chest

pelvic tilts with breath, focus on sacrum, find neutral pelvis

active rolling bridge with breath, focus on articulation of spine, option of engaging mulabandha

single knee to chest, engage straight leg to open psoas

knee across body, stretch outer hip

knee toward armpit, stretch short adductors

*pause in corpse to observe

other side

knees to chest, roll to sit--pause with abdominal engagement

squat, tailbone release

uttanasana--roll to stand

tadasana--specific postural awareness (slight mulabandha and ab engagement)

warrior 1 with pelvic neutral/leg focus

warrior 2 with pelvic neutral/leg focus

hip hinge for 1/2 sun sals, moving with pelvic neutral

lunge left

sit back to touch on hams stretch/round spine

cat/cow pelvic focus

other side lunge/hams

cat/cow sacral chakra focus, then manipura focus

extended childs, focus on lats and paraspinals

childs with lateral rotation/reach each side, connect to fascial system and QL as well as lats

childs arms at side, focus on sacral chakra, back body

seated hams stretch with strap, neutral spine

roll forward to hams stretch

roll to back knees to chest

supine twist

windshield wipers

supported savasana, begin with chakra 1-3 awareness, progress to relaxation

**a couple of other things i wanted to touch on, but didn't get a chance to:

prone poses (sphinx, single leg locust to both leg locust to engage the back muscles and glutes/hamstrings)

quadriped alternate arm and leg with focus on engaging abs/strong center