back-sliding

how do we stay compassionate with ourselves when we can visibly see ourselves back-slide in our thoughts, feelings or actions?

this has been my challenge. when you spend a lot of your time and energy working on a piece of yourself that needs special attention, you KNOW it's a process. but it's so difficult to withhold expectations that the process will be in a consistently forward direction.

i've been re-reading the book "nonviolent communication", by marshall rosenberg. while reading the book i could see how i had slipped into some of my old habits-- and i was grateful to have those habits pointed out to me. so i thought that naturally the next time i had an opportunity to re-ignite these techniques, i would be ready.

well, the opportunity came that very night...and...i not only went into my habitual pattern, i actually exaggerated how much of a pattern it truly was. i crossed lines that i hadn't touched in years. it was like i was doing research for a book of my own: "ultra-violent communication--how to make other people feel really bad about themselves".

not only is it difficult for me to understand how this could happen, it is SO difficult to be compassionate and forgiving of myself and to just allow myself to be in this mucky unpleasant place and just accept that i made a mistake and went into reactivity. or as kira reminded me from the yoga sutras: allow myself to practice "upeksanam" or equanimity toward myself when i perceive my actions to be "wrong".

of course, shining the light on one habit allows other habits and shameful voices to show up--"how can i fix or change this situation?", "what can i do to make things feel more comfortable?", "how could you be so stupid?", "look at what you've done this time."

at least i am aware of them, know that they are there and have the option to decide to listen and follow those habits, or to practice a new and better habit. and i have the option to change the decision even after i have started down the road of one of the old patterns.

i can continue to experience what each choice feels like. i can use that feedback to make better choices next time, to stop myself mid-habit and choose to divert the path.

sounds like such an easy solution...i really wish it were!

but just like the asana and pranayama, and meditation: making better decisions is a practice.

an interesting path to bhakti

i was so fortunate this past weekend to spend some time with sean johnson and his wild lotus band for some devotional, heart opening yoga and blissful music!

little did i realize that the main path to me cracking open my heart on a new level involved facing some of my oldest and deepest fears.

the class was so sweet, so watery and beautiful, and the live music just opened up a whole deeper level of feeling during the class. learning a bit about the harmonium and rhythm was fun and inspires me to want to start playing music, even if it's not my main talent this go-around.

so the fear part came in when we were sharing a little bit of ourselves with each other through music...sitting in a circle and taking turns singing, reading poetry or creating rhythm in our own voice and uniqueness. it sounds like such a sweet way to connect with each other and open into our authentic selves. and it IS.

the only problem is that sharing part of myself in a totally spontaneous way without the "shield" of the teacher or bodyworker label is TERRIFYING to me. all of my feelings of self-doubt, imperfections, fears of making mistakes and self-judgement bubbled right up to the surface. i couldn't ignore them or pretend they weren't there. i saw flashes of moments from my youth where i was awkwardly trying to fit in with my classmates during games i didn't really know how to play. but i was in a loving and accepting environment and one where i was nudged to express myself ANYWAY.

with my eyes closed, i heard as the voices moved closer one by one to where i sat. i felt my anxiety start to rise, even as i tuned in and listened as intently as i could to the person who was sharing. when my turn finally came, i just had to do it. and i felt a huge rush of energy (maybe adrenaline?) flow through my heart, out my hands and out through my voice.

my critical head was still there--i could hear it mumbling in the background--but it wasn't given the chance to win out over the moment.

and when i finished up, the critical voice lingered, tried to distract me...but as gwendolyn (sean's beautiful co-singer and drummer) put it (in poor paraphrased form), the sweet thing about music is that you have no choice but to move onto the next moment and let the previous one go. that is what keeps the song moving forward. you have to leave the mistakes and wrong notes behind if you want to keep playing, singing or listening.

and WOW, did my heart feel open after chipping away another layer of fear.

so i thank sean, gwendolyn and alvin for allowing me the opportunity to express myself, even if i am still SO RELUCTANT to do so...thank you for showing me that i'm not going to die if i do strip off all of my clothes and stand there for everyone to see. in fact, i may even be a little bit more alive.