this has been my challenge. when you spend a lot of your time and energy working on a piece of yourself that needs special attention, you KNOW it's a process. but it's so difficult to withhold expectations that the process will be in a consistently forward direction.
i've been re-reading the book "nonviolent communication", by marshall rosenberg. while reading the book i could see how i had slipped into some of my old habits-- and i was grateful to have those habits pointed out to me. so i thought that naturally the next time i had an opportunity to re-ignite these techniques, i would be ready.
well, the opportunity came that very night...and...i not only went into my habitual pattern, i actually exaggerated how much of a pattern it truly was. i crossed lines that i hadn't touched in years. it was like i was doing research for a book of my own: "ultra-violent communication--how to make other people feel really bad about themselves".
not only is it difficult for me to understand how this could happen, it is SO difficult to be compassionate and forgiving of myself and to just allow myself to be in this mucky unpleasant place and just accept that i made a mistake and went into reactivity. or as kira reminded me from the yoga sutras: allow myself to practice "upeksanam" or equanimity toward myself when i perceive my actions to be "wrong".
of course, shining the light on one habit allows other habits and shameful voices to show up--"how can i fix or change this situation?", "what can i do to make things feel more comfortable?", "how could you be so stupid?", "look at what you've done this time."
at least i am aware of them, know that they are there and have the option to decide to listen and follow those habits, or to practice a new and better habit. and i have the option to change the decision even after i have started down the road of one of the old patterns.
i can continue to experience what each choice feels like. i can use that feedback to make better choices next time, to stop myself mid-habit and choose to divert the path.
sounds like such an easy solution...i really wish it were!
but just like the asana and pranayama, and meditation: making better decisions is a practice.
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