Trust, surrender and feel

The theme that seems to be up in my life these days is surrendering and trusting in the unknown. Plans and paths that seem so open and right have taken unexpected last-minute turns, doors that have invitingly opened have suddenly closed, and I've been put into situations where I have the opportunity to face some of my deepest fears without letting these fears push me into "forcing" a solution.

My habit has been to have things planned, to smooth out rough edges and make the package all neat and tidy. This level of perceived control has given me a sense of calm throughout my life, so that when other areas get rocky, I can rely on the solid known quantities to help me to feel at ease. So the learning for me seems to be surrendering to the chaos, trusting that the solutions will come without me "efforting" my way into one that may not feel right. The lesson expands into looking into various paths and trusting my body and my inner knowledge as well. If something feels a little off key, even if it seems like it might be the easiest path, perhaps I can start to listen to that information and trust that the path that is tuned up perfectly will present itself.

Yoga has become one of the only "known quantities" present in my life right now. I can soothe myself with my breath, I can calm myself with gentleness, with meditation, with feeling into the positives and gratitude and beauty that is all around me, even when the suffering has such an inviting hook. I can practice feeling good, and at the same time REALLY feel the fears, the self-doubt, the desire to "fix" without letting the mind attach stories to those feelings. .

So what is the solution? In my own internal experiments these are my findings:

1) Resistance, denial and repression keeps these feelings deep inside of me and allows inner turmoil and conflict to flourish. I tend to unconsciously react to situations, compromise myself or let small amounts of the energy out through passive-aggressive means.

2) Obsession, over-thinking and story-telling bring the energies to the surface, but these techniques feel like they feed the energy and intensify it. The energy builds and I begin to identify with it, feel like a victim or have violent thought toward myself or others. Meanwhile, my mind is cluttered and I lose my ability to quiet down enough to feel/hear a solution.

3) Feeling without story-telling has seemed to prove the most effective method. Feeling without charging it up with thought seems to be the key to truly heal and begin to dissipate those energies that subconsciously run everything in our lives. This can be tricky--we have a really strong desire to "know" what feelings are about. I still often want to know, and even allow myself to explore the feelings short term on a mental level, just enough to satisfy my mind. But the true healing and movement and release of my fears and emotions seems to occur when I feel the sensations and resist the temptation to give it the fuel of my stories. It's pretty miraculous--I can actually feel the intensity build, move through my body and dissipate.

I am so grateful for yoga (and Yoga) for assisting me in feeling and noticing, for showing me how to notice inner contractions and expansions to give me feedback, for helping me learn how to turn the volume down in my mind enough to let feelings have a place in my life. And I give gratitude and honor to all of my teachers, my mirrors, my experiences as they shape me one moment at a time.