Musings on the Heart

Since I began doing yoga many years ago, teachers have directed me to bring attention to my heart. I always found this difficult--I had a really clear knowledge as to where it is in the body (I took gross anatomy, after all) and I knew where the energetic center was (from years of working on people).

But when I have been asked to tune into my own heart, I have often felt like I was pretending to tune into it. I had this vague sense of "yep, this is where the energy should be", but I had a hard time feeling it. I spent years meditating and visualizing this great big ball of energy that radiates out through my entire body and out into the world. I occasionally would feel emotions around it, but it still felt nebulous and unclear. How could I spend day after day feeling energy in other people, in my hands, over my head and around my body, moving up and down my limbs and my spine but not feel the expansiveness in the heart center? Backbends weren't cutting it for me; they worked amazingly well at vitalizing me, but the energy just seemed to skip past my heart and went straight up to my crown.

I have spent the last couple of years doing a more introspective, gentle and watery style of yoga. I kind of gave up on "opening the heart" in the traditional way. I have long known that I have had an area right behind my heart that is held in extension and twisted--it's an area of my scoliotic spine that I have always thought was a compensation for my larger twist at the back of my solar plexus. It's an area that hurt during inversions, collapsed in down dog and plank. Since spending more time working with the connective tissue, doing a lot of forward bends and really going inside myself during my practice, I have realized that the back and sides of my heart are where I am tight...and that if I continued to push my heart forwards with backbends, that poor heart was never going to feel supported. I was accentuating a movement that was possibly causing my inability to feel there--it was a position that offered me protection for many years--because when the heart center isn't really in your body, you don't haveto feel it.

This awareness also led me to realizing that if I have compensated in some way from feeling in some area of my body, the bottom line is that I haven't felt safe to be there. Laura Tyree's workshop reminded me of how essential the root chakra is, and got me thinking that if I don't feel supported and solid on the earth, there is little chance that the rest of me will cooperate with this whole "living on earth" thing. Maybe that is the key to unwinding not only the twist behind my heart, but perhaps all of the twists in my spine.

I am starting to feel my heart more and more--I'm finally getting what my teachers were trying to teach me. And I am starting to finally realize why sometimes I need to stand up during my yoga practice, feet solidly planted on the ground. Safe.

Listen more, react less

As I was meditating this morning, these words came to me. I reflect on the ways these words fit into my life, where I need to increase my listening and decrease my reactions.

On the mat, listening more brings me into my body, shows respect and love for what my body needs, and by not reacting to my findings, I can take the time to choose a response to the information in a way that helps my body.

In my daily mind happenings, I can be more open to experiencing the actual going-ons around me and again, step away from reactions to what my mind may initially say. I can listen for how certain thoughts make me feel and choose to not react.

In my interpersonal happenings, if things get difficult, I can listen with openness and love, noticing my feelings and body responses without going into the habit of reacting, defending, freezing or retreating. I can listen to myself and the internal feedback I get to help me respond in a way that serves me better.

Listen more. React less.

those voices of insecurity

I am constantly amazed at how new and deeper layers of the same old thing just keep popping up. I figured that out a long time ago, but somehow i just sit in awe every time I start to hear those old thought patterns creep in again. It would be really easy for me to just go into the pattern that I used to go into: hear the thoughts and believe them--let them take me on an emotional journey into self-doubt and shame. It's interesting how seductive that path of ease can be, even though I know from deep in my bones that it's something that is harmful to me--that those thoughts and emotions no longer serve me.

These days I (usually) can catch myself starting down that road before the energy gets too strong to resist getting swept away by it. It can actually be a little amusing and curious to see the old patterns present themselves--it can be kind of fun to see how a little comment inside your head could easily spiral into a reaction process that could take days to get through. It's a lot more fun if you can see it and feel it without letting that process HAPPEN--but even if it does, at least you can be aware of the process and fascinated by it.

Doing something new always seems to spark that voice of insecurity inside of me, so deciding to teach a class that is different than the classes I have taught before makes me feel a little vulnerable. I watch the people around me who are just AMAZING teachers and the comparisons start. And I can feel how my body reacts to the self-shaming, how it contracts. And how that contraction gives my mind permission to start bringing up other ways to be self-critical. I actually started laughing when I watched the latest of these thought processes. As I rolled out of bridge pose I heard, "I can feel my scoliosis. My body is defective too."

Amazing.

So what is cool about observing that process is that I could really see that I had a choice to laugh off the thoughts that came up and choose to listen to different ones, or I had the choice to believe them and fuel the old pattern. And I also had the choice to beat myself up over still HAVING these thoughts or to be grateful and celebrate this amazing opportunity to let some of the energy behind those patterns burn off.

Not really a very difficult choice...

**these blog posts are also posted on Lulu Bandhas new interactive blog site, "The Garden"

you're grounded!

If only those words produced the actual results of grounding, I would have been oh-so there as a teenager. But unfortunately, I actually have to do some (ok...a LOT of) work to feel like I am happily inhabiting my body. My intention through yoga over the past several years has been trying to bring an increased awareness to my body and to act from a centered place.

We hear these words "grounded", "centered" and we have some sort of vague notion about what that means. As I have been tuning into the energy body more and more, I have become hyper-aware of how disconnected from my physical body it can become throughout the day. I mean, I'm still here, I still can function and think and act...but I am noticing that when I'm "in my head" or "ahead of myself", that my energy level and vitality drains from me much more quickly. I notice that I can more easily drift off into thought, or bump into things or miss my exit, for example. And that interacting with others, especially during my work can really drain me if I am "putting myself out there" too much. And try being a good listener when you aren't in a centered place.

So being the curious experimenter that I am, I have played with noticing what is happening inside during my basic daily activities and if I notice that my attention/intention is outside of myself I try to tune my awareness to bringing that vitality inside and literally try to center it in my body (which for me tends to be bringing it down and toward the back of my body). It's actually pretty fun, and I feel so much better when I can really be in there. The most fun I have is while taking a walk outside. I will sometimes intention my energy in different directions and feel what it does to my body. Then I try to move and walk at different paces while trying to stay in the center.

Being light and airy by nature, it's really been cool to feel how heavy I can actually feel, how connected I actually can be with the earth. I get to really experience how amazing it is to be here, in this body, on this planet. (Something that has taken me years, maybe lifetimes to appreciate fully)

surreal fitness

i think there is a really good market for this type of idea in a yoga class--who's game?

so this is how yoga tends to look at my home too. (except i keep losing my drishti point):

back-sliding

how do we stay compassionate with ourselves when we can visibly see ourselves back-slide in our thoughts, feelings or actions?

this has been my challenge. when you spend a lot of your time and energy working on a piece of yourself that needs special attention, you KNOW it's a process. but it's so difficult to withhold expectations that the process will be in a consistently forward direction.

i've been re-reading the book "nonviolent communication", by marshall rosenberg. while reading the book i could see how i had slipped into some of my old habits-- and i was grateful to have those habits pointed out to me. so i thought that naturally the next time i had an opportunity to re-ignite these techniques, i would be ready.

well, the opportunity came that very night...and...i not only went into my habitual pattern, i actually exaggerated how much of a pattern it truly was. i crossed lines that i hadn't touched in years. it was like i was doing research for a book of my own: "ultra-violent communication--how to make other people feel really bad about themselves".

not only is it difficult for me to understand how this could happen, it is SO difficult to be compassionate and forgiving of myself and to just allow myself to be in this mucky unpleasant place and just accept that i made a mistake and went into reactivity. or as kira reminded me from the yoga sutras: allow myself to practice "upeksanam" or equanimity toward myself when i perceive my actions to be "wrong".

of course, shining the light on one habit allows other habits and shameful voices to show up--"how can i fix or change this situation?", "what can i do to make things feel more comfortable?", "how could you be so stupid?", "look at what you've done this time."

at least i am aware of them, know that they are there and have the option to decide to listen and follow those habits, or to practice a new and better habit. and i have the option to change the decision even after i have started down the road of one of the old patterns.

i can continue to experience what each choice feels like. i can use that feedback to make better choices next time, to stop myself mid-habit and choose to divert the path.

sounds like such an easy solution...i really wish it were!

but just like the asana and pranayama, and meditation: making better decisions is a practice.

an interesting path to bhakti

i was so fortunate this past weekend to spend some time with sean johnson and his wild lotus band for some devotional, heart opening yoga and blissful music!

little did i realize that the main path to me cracking open my heart on a new level involved facing some of my oldest and deepest fears.

the class was so sweet, so watery and beautiful, and the live music just opened up a whole deeper level of feeling during the class. learning a bit about the harmonium and rhythm was fun and inspires me to want to start playing music, even if it's not my main talent this go-around.

so the fear part came in when we were sharing a little bit of ourselves with each other through music...sitting in a circle and taking turns singing, reading poetry or creating rhythm in our own voice and uniqueness. it sounds like such a sweet way to connect with each other and open into our authentic selves. and it IS.

the only problem is that sharing part of myself in a totally spontaneous way without the "shield" of the teacher or bodyworker label is TERRIFYING to me. all of my feelings of self-doubt, imperfections, fears of making mistakes and self-judgement bubbled right up to the surface. i couldn't ignore them or pretend they weren't there. i saw flashes of moments from my youth where i was awkwardly trying to fit in with my classmates during games i didn't really know how to play. but i was in a loving and accepting environment and one where i was nudged to express myself ANYWAY.

with my eyes closed, i heard as the voices moved closer one by one to where i sat. i felt my anxiety start to rise, even as i tuned in and listened as intently as i could to the person who was sharing. when my turn finally came, i just had to do it. and i felt a huge rush of energy (maybe adrenaline?) flow through my heart, out my hands and out through my voice.

my critical head was still there--i could hear it mumbling in the background--but it wasn't given the chance to win out over the moment.

and when i finished up, the critical voice lingered, tried to distract me...but as gwendolyn (sean's beautiful co-singer and drummer) put it (in poor paraphrased form), the sweet thing about music is that you have no choice but to move onto the next moment and let the previous one go. that is what keeps the song moving forward. you have to leave the mistakes and wrong notes behind if you want to keep playing, singing or listening.

and WOW, did my heart feel open after chipping away another layer of fear.

so i thank sean, gwendolyn and alvin for allowing me the opportunity to express myself, even if i am still SO RELUCTANT to do so...thank you for showing me that i'm not going to die if i do strip off all of my clothes and stand there for everyone to see. in fact, i may even be a little bit more alive.

chronic pain, connective tissue and touch class at lulu's

today was the final day of the 3 day "spinal tap" workshop that i taught at lulu bandha's...and it was SO MUCH FUN!

we started with legs up the wall, and tuned into our "feeling sides" of our brain and on really getting inside our bodies in a more fine-tuned way, as well as finding a gentle ease with our bodies and tight spots.

we then talked about chronic pain and the connective tissue, followed by an experimental asana class which basically began with a "starting pose" and had them tune into feeling into their tight spots and twisting/moving in ways to greater access those spots. the focus was to encourage them to feel and listen to what their body was wanting, and to soften into the resistance patterns.

we did cat/cow variations 3 dimensionally and then opened it to a self-guided mini-practice, as each person was finding the next "spot" that needed some attention and adjusted their poses appropriately.

feedback revealed that perhaps the word "soften" works better than "relax" when people are in a dynamic hold/stretch, and that demonstrating the technique may be helpful, since the verbal part left some question marks in the practice.

i then demo'd a yin forward bend (i did baddha konasana) and showed how i enter the pose slowly and barrier by barrier, then twist it into whatever my body is guiding me to do next.

they all started with a yin forward bend of their choice and were left to their own feeling wisdom to perform their practice for about 20 minutes and eventually to savasana.

then we took a break and regrouped for the touch portion of the class with partners:

gentle cervical traction

traction with a gentle sternal release

bilateral leg pull

occipital release

we ended the weekend in a circle connecting with each other and sitting in silence.

i am SO GRATEFUL for the amazing group of yogis that joined me this weekend!!!

living fascia!!

check out this short clip from Jean Claude Guimberteau's video "strolling under the skin" where he shows magnified video of fascia in a living person! there are larger clips available too if you can't get enough. the language is very technical, but just sit back and enjoy the visual magic that lives inside of us!

neck and posture class at lulu's

another wonderful day at my favorite studio today! today was a 2-part class: the neck/upper back, and postural deviations and exercises. here's a synopsis--at least as well as i can remember!

we opened with supine baddha konasana with a teaching intention of tuning into our bodies in a deeper way.

the first portion of the lecture started with an anatomical look at the neck and thoracic spine, discussed the influence of the shoulders/scapula and discussed the nature of common injuries in the neck. we then did an asana class geared toward targeting some of the key areas that tend to tighten up with neck problems.

seated baddha konasana with head hang/fwd fold, focus on connective tissue of the spine

seated 1/2 head rolls with prolonged stretches at tight spots

neck sidebend with opposite arm extended, rotate head down to access levator muscle

seated chest fascial opener in center and with head tilt left and right

childs pose--relaxed

childs pose--active arm extension

cat/cow, focus on sternum and upper back

thread the needle twist

relaxed childs

seated shoulder extension stretch

garuda (eagle) arms with forward bend, then with elbow lift

shake out arms

standing pec "clock" stretch at wall

wall dog

shake out arms

**can't remember

seated chakra meditation, discussed chakras IV-VII

discussed postural deviations and did partner analysis of posture

brief discussion of movement analysis

postural exercises:

supine "angels"

supine open into external rotation, elbows at side

supine isometric: tighten abs, ribs down, shoulders back and down, palms press, chin tuck

shimmy

supine overhead reach with block

block mini-dolphin stretch

reclining buddha each side

side plank variation on forearm

sidelying over bolster (restoratve stretch)--> progress to active reach in arm and top leg

knees to chest

occipital release with block

savasana

low back class at lulus

i had such a great evening with the gang at lulu bandha's last night teaching about the low back and pelvis! we did some exploration of the anatomy and injuries of this area and followed with an asana practice intended to encourage people to relate to their bodies in a new way, to utilize the visual anatomy to "see" inside a little more. we began to touch on the fascial system as well, and of course reminded ourselves that no level of anatomical knowledge can make us more wise than the signals and messages of our bodies--to listen to that is to truly touch upon what will help us to heal and keep us safe.

because i didn't blog immediately afterwards, i am going to remember as closely as i can:

supine knees to chest

pelvic tilts with breath, focus on sacrum, find neutral pelvis

active rolling bridge with breath, focus on articulation of spine, option of engaging mulabandha

single knee to chest, engage straight leg to open psoas

knee across body, stretch outer hip

knee toward armpit, stretch short adductors

*pause in corpse to observe

other side

knees to chest, roll to sit--pause with abdominal engagement

squat, tailbone release

uttanasana--roll to stand

tadasana--specific postural awareness (slight mulabandha and ab engagement)

warrior 1 with pelvic neutral/leg focus

warrior 2 with pelvic neutral/leg focus

hip hinge for 1/2 sun sals, moving with pelvic neutral

lunge left

sit back to touch on hams stretch/round spine

cat/cow pelvic focus

other side lunge/hams

cat/cow sacral chakra focus, then manipura focus

extended childs, focus on lats and paraspinals

childs with lateral rotation/reach each side, connect to fascial system and QL as well as lats

childs arms at side, focus on sacral chakra, back body

seated hams stretch with strap, neutral spine

roll forward to hams stretch

roll to back knees to chest

supine twist

windshield wipers

supported savasana, begin with chakra 1-3 awareness, progress to relaxation

**a couple of other things i wanted to touch on, but didn't get a chance to:

prone poses (sphinx, single leg locust to both leg locust to engage the back muscles and glutes/hamstrings)

quadriped alternate arm and leg with focus on engaging abs/strong center

hi ho, hi ho...it's off to teach i go!

each time i get ready to teach a big workshop, i feel a little anxious/nervous energy creep up! instead of relaxing and meditating (which i know would bring a semblance of peace) i kind of flit around, bug my husband, go from the family room to the bedroom and back, do a few yoga poses and check my computer...and finally blog on it!

i love teaching, find great peace and joy in it, and feel honored to share information with people! once i get there, that is. the lead-up is always filled with some trepidation...what if i forget to share some things, what if i stumble over my words, what if they don't like me?

and this time is even tougher, because i just returned from this amazing, transformative class on myofascial release and it's caused me to question everything i have learned and the anatomically based class i am about to teach. how can i present this information in a true and honest way when i am not even sure that these things i "know" are right?

so i remind myself that the anatomy is SO important--not because it is the be-all, end-all of who we are as human beings...but it gives us a glimpse into our inside physical workings. it teaches the nuts and bolt mechanics of this amazing creature that we are. i need to remember that just because i am feeling a pull beyond (WAY beyond) these nuts and bolts, that i know them well. and most people who are interested in this class WANT this knowledge.

a deep breath. and here i go!

freedom through flailing

tomorrow we meet for our final day of myofascial unwinding. if you have never experienced the sensation of unwinding, you are missing out! essentially, you go into your open awareness/dream-like state and your body starts to spontaneously move into positions of past traumas, pausing at specific places to allow your subconscious mind to process the parts of trauma that were too painful to face at the time.

watching the process is quite unsettling at first. it breaks all of society's rules. when unwinding, you shake, scream, cry, flail, roll, twist and assume positions that you did not think possible! but then again, when you are thrown from a moving car, or fighting for your life or falling down the stairs, your body does some crazy things. and most often, we don't ever scream or cry.

oh, and all those emotional traumas get to come up and express themselves too.

i'm half way through my training here, and i have realized that i am just hitting the tip of the iceberg. i am training myself slowly to be in a feeling consciousness more often...to pay attention and energize those unpleasant feelings in my gut, or my hip or my neck without having any sort of language interfere...simply feeling as deeply and fully as i can.

if you know me, you probably don't need me to tell you that it doesn't come naturally. it's a practice. and it's shifting the focus of my work into deeper and more meaningful places.

if you want more information on myofascial release, click here

sticky stuff

well, i'm back in sedona soaking up more connective tissue information. by "soaking up connective tissue information", i really mean, "OH MY GOSH...THAT is in there???"

i come to these classes to learn and to help make me a better therapist and a better teacher. and that goal invariably gets met...how can it not be met when you are learning things that are true? but what ends up surprising me every single time i take another class is that i have to LOOK INSIDE. i have to FEEL.

ew.

the magic of working with the fascial system is that when your body starts to quiet down and relax, it begins to forge its own path toward healing. the techniques are "listening" techniques instead of "push on through and fix" techniques. and really, who likes to get pushed around? it's totally contrary to our nature--when presented with a "bully" we have the choice to either push back or break under the pressure.

this idea of being met where we are, and "tapped on the shoulder" just enough to elicit a response seems the better choice.

and the proof is in the pudding...during myofascial or craniosacral work, you see the result--the body self-corrects. the emotions and physical and energetic intensities arise. the breathing changes (today i was in an exhale kumbhaka for a really long time during one of the releases!)

bringing yourself to a place of consciousness during bodywork and allowing the body to "speak" is how we get to release old patterns, old energies, old trauma. and because the connective tissue takes a long time to release the collagen fibers, you also have a therapist LISTENING to you and following your lead for a LONG time! how often does that happen? (believe me, i'm a therapist, so i know that, sadly, it doesn't happen very often)

so why the "ew"? well, because the only way that things REALLY move out of your system and body is by FEELING them. so if you were kicked in the spine or if your mother abandoned you or you disclocated your shoulder and had any level of dissociation during those events, the body needs to connect to them and feel them if they stand a chance of leaving. energy requires awareness if it is going to move.

unfortunately, i cannot take credit. these principles have been floating around all over the place, most notably by john barnes, who i am studying with for the next 10 days! (woo hoo!) but i tend to not write about things or "own" them in any way until i get it--until i feel it. so i'm excited and happy to report that this stuff really works!

but don't believe me...feel it for yourself. i urge you to try feeling the sticky stuff and see if it starts to move. and notice how quickly your brain kicks in to think of something else...anything else besides the feeling. bring that intention to your next yoga class, perhaps--at least for 1 pose. or treat yourself to a session of craniosacral or myofascial release and "play" with feeling. it hurts while you are in it, but the time you are there is so short, relatively speaking. and the FREEDOM afterwards....ahhhh.....nothing like it!

compassion

i know...it's a word that gets thrown around all the time in yoga and any new-age communities. i actually can't believe i titled an entry that way, but i had a dream the other night that has had me really exploring the usefulness of that very thing. without getting into the details of the dream, the main message that i was given is that COMPASSION HEALS. wow. i'm a genius, right?

but it's true. it's obvious and easy to see the working of a compassionate heart in the wake of things like the earthquake in haiti...people who are on the receiving end of something catastrophic or painful really have a way of opening our hearts, allowing us to feel just a LITTLE BIT of the pain and difficulty that they are enduring.

connecting to a person or a group of people in a way that gives us an actual visceral understanding of their tragedy is what i define as empathy or compassion. we begin to see that the pain they are experiencing is on some level the same pain we hold inside of ourselves; it's the pain of every human being at some time or another, the pain of the planet.

that type of compassion is difficult because it makes us feel the wounds of our hearts, it makes us "bleed" a little bit.

but that is only the beginning.

the next layer of compassion that i have been led to lately is compassion for the perpetrator of violence, for the perceived "evil-doers" of the world. yes...even for dick cheney. this level of compassion is SO NECESSARY for bringing a higher level of consciousness and peace to the world. it's the type of compassion that stops the cycle of violence. it forces us to let go of judgements and labels, of mean-spirited thoughts and words about another person--even if they seem to deserve it!

so the challenge becomes this: try looking deeply into the eyes and soul of someone that you find yourself wanting to shame, to label or to judge.--someone kind of "icky". look at what has caused them to become what or how they have become. see the pain. see the struggle and the violence and the deep deep sadness.

can you feel that? yep...we have that too.

we understand it. we have compassion.

now look at the world. it's just a little bit better because of what you have done.

oh, and sorry, dick. that wasn't very compassionate of me!

private mini-session for pain

this is a little mini-yoga routine that i have been using and adapting for relatively healthy folks who have back and/or neck pain. this particular session was with a woman who gets major migraines/neck pain and also has low back pain. (30 minute routine)

cat/cow-6 rounds

side cat/cow-3 rounds

"funky cat" freestyle for 2 minutes

childs--arms extended

childs-reach arms left and right 6 breaths each

lunge stretch left

lunge stretch right

**she was able to do low lunge, but often people with tight hips do better in high lunge)

pigeon left drop to forearms, transition to extended left leg/heel cord stretch from all 4s

pigeon right (same)

seated head to knee left

mini-twist to left

open knee--revolved head to knee left

REPEAT SEQUENCE TO RIGHT

abdominal engagement to roll to back to supine

knees to chest, rock

left knee to chest, right leg extended

left knee toward right shoulder

right knee to chest, left leg extended

right knee to left shoulder

knees to chest, rock

easy supine twist each way

supine baddha konasana with bolster and blankets-- 3 minutes

primary cues were for relaxing neck and shoulders, breathing, increasing ease and gentleness with the postures.

BREAKING SURFACE, by Mark Nepo

Let no one keep you from your journey,
no rabbi or priest, no mother
who wants you to dig for treasures
she misplaced, no father
who won't let one life be enough,
no lover who measures their worth
by what you might give up,
no voice that tells you in the night
it can't be done.

Let nothing dissuade you
from seeing what you see
or feeling the winds that make you
want to dance alone
or go where no one
has yet to go.

You are the only explorer.
Your heart, the unreadable compass.
Your soul, the shore of a promise
too great to be ignored.

Late morning yin-esque series

my late morning practice:

yin upavistha konasana--3 minutes

yin sidebend stretch in upavistha--1-2 minutes each side

yin upavistha again--1-2 minutes

yin butterfly--2-3 minutes

malasana

roll to back

hammock

windshield wiper stretch--hold in internal rotation 3x 45 sec to each side

roll to malasana

standing forward fold 45 sec

step to lunge right--1-2 minutes

pyramid--1 minute

down dog

lunge left 1-2 minutes

pyramid-1 minute

forward fold

malasana with twists--move with breath 5 to each side

yin seated head to knee right--2-3 minutes

twist right--left hand to outer foot--1 minute

hands behind back--arch back/puff chest

*pause

dandasana

*pause

repeat yin head to knee left-2-3 minutes

**i skipped the twist on this side--felt intuitively not needed.

hands behind back--arch back/puff chest

*pause

dandasana

*pause

malasana

roll to back

knees to chest

happy baby--roll left to right

savasana

Kidneys?

so after the fall, i had this weird pain in the bottom of my left foot, with a pea-sized tight spot...didn't seem to relate to a nerve and i didn't land on the foot or anything...so i looked up a reflexology chart:

KIDNEY POINT!

i then proceeded to look up the meridian chart for kidneys and work some of the leg points, as well as pay attention and breathe into that chronic tight spot at my left lower thoracic area--you know, where my spine is most collapsed, and the left KIDNEY resides?

voila.

the pain was gone!

i'm glad this experience taught me something new--and is a marvelous example of how there can be an explanation for what seems inexplicable. you just have to open up to possibilities that lie outside your knowledge base!

The Fall

and not the existential type. today i was running through the rain into the pet store and my right foot hit the sidewalk and slid out from under me, sending me back onto my right buttock and extended arm. i was embarrassed, but also a little bit hurt! my left shoulder and neck started to tighten up and i could tell my spine and hips got knocked out of whack. luckily, i work with other physical therapists so i was able to talk one of them into adjusting my hips...should help a bit!

so nothing is a better motivator to do yoga than being in pain. i didn't have a chance to move and practice until several hours later (after work was finished). i could feel parts of me starting to speak up a bit more, and knew if i didn't move, i'd be a goner tomorrow!

here is the practice i did tonight to nurse my wounds:

cat/cow
side cat/cow
childs, arms extended
table top
proud pigeon right
yin pigeon right
down dog
(repeat pigeons on left)
down dog
cat/cow
barrel roll in cat/cow
childs
vrasana
arms clasp overhead palms to ceiling
side stretch through extended arms right and left
"toe torture" vrasana
arms clasp behind back--focus on dropping shoulders
childs
slide to reclining buddha left
roll to reclining buddha right
yin sphinx
wide knee childs
seated baddha konasana slow progression to yin hold
roll to back knees to chest
"sloppy" supine twist--knees wide
shimmy
reclined head to knee with ankle circles right and left
reclined hero pose over bolster
supine baddha konasana with bolster
malasana

Yoga for me

today as i sat down to meditate, i found so many barriers and difficulties arising that were preventing me from dropping in. most of them were the usual:

• my cats are running around and need attention
• coffee (!) is waiting for me on the counter
• someone may have sent me an email--better check
• do i have any new facebook friends?
• it's raining out, so i better watch the rain (ok, that's not a usual barrier)
• i have too much to do to prepare for the day

but today i became aware another barrier, which writing this blog alerted me to:

i have a tendency to THINK about my practice, be it meditation or asana or pranayama. i can't just BE in my practice, because as a teacher, i need to remember how things feel. i need to be able to put my practice, my sensations, my awarenesses into words.

i spent the first 10 minutes of my meditation thinking about how to communicate the experience on this blog.

in other words: it's easier for me to practice yoga if i know i am sharing the magic with others. if i'm just practicing for MYSELF it doesn't seem as worthwhile to me.

wow. that is something i ought to look into.

do i teach because i was born to teach? do i do healing work because i was born to heal? or have part of my decisions in life been guided by finding a way to love others more than myself?

i am curious if other teachers or healing workers notice a similar energy--is your practice primarily guided by what YOU need or by what you want to share with others? are they one and the same?

Keep on Jammin'

So this weekend's Yoga Jam session with Kira Ryder at Lulu Bandhas inspired me to start a blog. Kira is one of my favorite teachers, and I feel so lucky whenever I get to practice with her! I have never entered into the world of blogging before, so I feel like I somehow have to have a thesis statement or something in order to make it more legit!

Hmm.

OK: The purpose of this blog is to track my own yoga practice and healing path, and to share inspirations and lessons that I have experienced. I will be posting classes that I teach, maybe some home practice sequences, discoveries I make, etc.

Maybe at some point I will link to cool things that I discover too. (Of course, I need to figure out how to work this thing first. Sorry--For now, you are stuck with text.)

I am realizing that I am setting a precedent in my blog by using capitalization, which I don't really do in my real life. Better switch that habit now, before people start expecting it.

ah...that's better.

i just realized that i am blogging about the process of blogging, which is not the intention of this blog.

so time to switch it up.

The beauty of an active practice

i admit that i am a lazy yogi. i work a lot, so when i get home, the last thing i want to do is move around and WORK. i am not an avid aerobic/athletic exerciser...occasionally i will walk or hike. but i love how yoga makes me feel, so i have defaulted to a more restorative and yin style practice.

for the past year or two, i have been immersed in yin and gentle styles of yoga. i have also been immersed in learning and playing with a lot of bodywork techniques dealing with the connective tissue. so yin is a natural fit for my interests. as i have practiced this style of yoga, i have explored the postures in many new ways, and made up several of my own, just because they feel GOOD. (don't tell the yin masters, please). in this exploration, i have accessed some really interesting "tight spots" in my body and in my emotional and mental layers. i have learned when to breathe and hang out there, when to move, how to open and deepen areas that haven't seen light in a REALLY long time.

the yin-esque practice i was doing was really working for me. my awareness of the subtle increased, i felt inspired and it held my interest more than any other style had...it brought me closer to Yoga, to expansiveness, to FEELING--a skill that takes a lot of practice. (at least it took ME a lot of practice).

so why do any other sort of practice?

this weekend, while practicing with kira and my lulu friends, i actually said, "sometimes i feel like i should have a stronger practice, harden my edges a bit more". quickly to follow with, "but most of the time i think, 'what's the point?'". i realized that what i had said was kind of funny, but i really did believe that--what IS the point? i'm getting SO MUCH from my practice as it is now. do i really need to do a stronger practice?

fortunately, i didn't need to look very far for the answer. on day 2, kira led us through a practice that did modified sun-salutes. (what? how do you do those again?) AND we even did a couple of chaturangas! it was geared toward opening the chakras and had a subtle anatomy bent (phew--not TOO far out of the comfort zone, please), but it was an ACTIVE practice.

when the class was finished, i felt so ALIVE and VITAL...then i remembered...new pranic pathways and stores get discovered and built up during the yin-esque yoga that i do. but it takes MOVEMENT to actually move the prana. i knew that. it was in my head. they tell you these things in yoga classes. but i had forgotten, because i hadn't really FELT it in such a profound way before.

thank you, jam session peeps! :)